“How to Really Listen,” Harvard Business Review.
Background. Some of you are thinking—what in the world is a “spouse hack”? The Urban Dictionary defines a “hack” as (among other things) a “clever or elegant technical accomplishment, especially one with a playful or prankish bent; a clever routine is a computer program, especially one which uses tools for purposes other than those for which they are intended.” To hack something is to take a tool or process from a different context and use it to elegantly solve a problem in your own, quite different context. So I think of “spouse hacking” as a way of talking about processes or solutions which help your spouse “run smoother.” You’re not trying to make them be “better” in your eyes, but to more efficiently and effectively be who they are.
One “spouse hack” that I have found (speaking as a man) is this: Listen, don’t solve. The article linked above is a clear illustration of this. This particular hack can also work in virtually any relationship. Listening skills are key to the missionary vocation as well as the marriage vocation.
“Listening without solving” is difficult for most men that I’ve encountered. I find it exceptionally difficult. My wife starts outlining a problem, and I want to jump in immediately and start listing out potential solutions, experiments to run, literature to review, … soon she is sighing, exasperated, and quickly exiting the room. Why? Because the deeper issue was that she wanted to be listened to, heard, known. She wanted to share the experience of the problem.
Sharing the experience—any experience—is actually a far higher priority for her than solving it. Solutions will present themselves with time, I guess, but the sharing is more interesting. It is in the sharing that we know and are known.
Check the article out and consider: is this a “spouse hack” that would work? Would it help your spouse be more smoothly who he/she is meant to be?
(Yes, this is related to missions: marital and personal relationships on the field are key to long-term survival. If your relationships aren’t healthy, your emotions and long-term sustainability won’t be either.)
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